It's almost Thanksgiving!

I'm going to say this quick, as clearly as I can. Quickly, becaus eI don't want to mull over these feelings and end up crying and anxious, tossing and turning until past midnight and needing multiple ambiens to fall asleep. I will not cry.

All through my childhood, my mom was my best friend. She fulfilled all my needs. She supported me, encouraged me, taught me, laughed with me, loved me, punished me, fed me, groomed me...you get the picture. She was my sunshine. So anything or anyone that upset her upset me also. She never verbally expressed her negative feelings about my dad (at least not that I can remember), but children pick up on everything. Every little expression in your face when you think they're not looking, I promise! So I noticed that dad made her feel bad. Why? I don't know, and it really doesn't matter. Dad making mom upset = me not liking dad. In this way that she didn't know about, she formed my opinion about him without ever giving me a chance to decide that on my own. Her enemys were my enemies. I avoided my dad because even though I loved him and didn't want to avoid him, I had to show mom that I loved her. Showing love to my dad might upset my mom.

I came about this revelation in a recent meeting with my therapist (within the last 2 months). All by myself. Of course she asked the right questions and pointed me in the right direction while I talked myself from one thought to another. But when I said the words, completed the thought, and realized what I had said and what that meant, I was shocked. My, how simple actions shape our world.

I don't choose to dwell on these sad thoughts...but the newest Nicholas Sparks book (The Last Song) has an eerily similar story and it's bringing back a lot of feelings.

And damnit, I cried. But the tears are gone now, so hopefully the night will continue to unfold as happily as it was before I felt the urge to write this down.

On a side note Dad, you would get a KICK out of your grand-daughter. She's a riot. So funny, genuine and curious.