Ugh.

Got the tattoo, and I love it. I'm not sure of all the reasons that I got it. But I do know some....1)I'm not sure that you knew how much I loved you, well...there it is and it's not going anywhere. 2)I was grieving too hard and I needed it to stop. The tattoo helped that, a lot. 3)I am proud that you were my dad.

I'm sure there are more reasons, but I figured those were enough. I don't cry hard anymore. I might shed a tear here and there, and I get really sad, and when I see things that remind me of you it hurts a lot. The guys that look like you are the worst. Almost balding, glasses, beard, hard-working-looking. They make my heart skip, like maybe its you. Maybe you're not dead, maybe you're clean, and maybe you're looking for me.

Thanks for the life insurance money. I know you didn't pay the premiums, mom did. As I'm sure you know, there's a nasty mess concerning the money right now.I feel like I am doing what you would want me to do with the money - taking care of my family.Granted, my husband and children aren't my ONLY family that needs taking care of, but they are my first priority. Because of this money, we don't have to worry about unexpected this and that, and it's put us in a really good position to make a better future for our family. But what would you say? I can't exactly ask you...it's your life insurance money we're talking about. The only way you ever told me what you wanted done with the money was by making Daniel and I the beneficiaries. So when I say that I can't ask you - it's true, but not entirely because you made Daniel and I the beneficiaries.

So I can't talk to you, and mom doesn't want to talk to me. Hm. Just when you think it can't get any worse, huh? I can't talk to you because you're dead, and I can't talk to mom because she's upset that I'm not giving her half of my life insurance money.

I know you would want mom taken care of - I do to. I wish I had enough money to take care of us like I have now AND take care of mom, but I feel like she's trying to make me choose between her and my family. I'm giving her money, is it how much you would want me to give?




SILENCE




God please don't let me lose my father and my mother in the same year.