Ugh.

Got the tattoo, and I love it. I'm not sure of all the reasons that I got it. But I do know some....1)I'm not sure that you knew how much I loved you, well...there it is and it's not going anywhere. 2)I was grieving too hard and I needed it to stop. The tattoo helped that, a lot. 3)I am proud that you were my dad.

I'm sure there are more reasons, but I figured those were enough. I don't cry hard anymore. I might shed a tear here and there, and I get really sad, and when I see things that remind me of you it hurts a lot. The guys that look like you are the worst. Almost balding, glasses, beard, hard-working-looking. They make my heart skip, like maybe its you. Maybe you're not dead, maybe you're clean, and maybe you're looking for me.

Thanks for the life insurance money. I know you didn't pay the premiums, mom did. As I'm sure you know, there's a nasty mess concerning the money right now.I feel like I am doing what you would want me to do with the money - taking care of my family.Granted, my husband and children aren't my ONLY family that needs taking care of, but they are my first priority. Because of this money, we don't have to worry about unexpected this and that, and it's put us in a really good position to make a better future for our family. But what would you say? I can't exactly ask you...it's your life insurance money we're talking about. The only way you ever told me what you wanted done with the money was by making Daniel and I the beneficiaries. So when I say that I can't ask you - it's true, but not entirely because you made Daniel and I the beneficiaries.

So I can't talk to you, and mom doesn't want to talk to me. Hm. Just when you think it can't get any worse, huh? I can't talk to you because you're dead, and I can't talk to mom because she's upset that I'm not giving her half of my life insurance money.

I know you would want mom taken care of - I do to. I wish I had enough money to take care of us like I have now AND take care of mom, but I feel like she's trying to make me choose between her and my family. I'm giving her money, is it how much you would want me to give?




SILENCE




God please don't let me lose my father and my mother in the same year.

Tattoo for You

So I'm wondering what you would say about a tattoo. Probably "AAhh Sis, why you wanna go and do that?" with a half-smile. You had 2 yourself, unfortunately I can't find any good pictures of them to replicate them.

So I decided on wildflowers. Colorful, and I have an art consult with the tattoo artist tonight, so we'll see. I made a sketch of the style I'm thinking about. We'll see...I'm excited.

Iris (my therapist) wants me to make a few lists in my big book that I'm writing down my days in.
1 - questions that I have about you and your life
2 - good memories
3 - bad memories

that's pretty tough. i'm already grieving, HARD, still 4 months later, and I'm supposed to relive all those moments that are hurting me so much right now. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help. And when to write them down..."hmm, do I feel like fucking up my day now or later...?"

God I wonder if Mom or Daniel are feeling this way.

This song ruins me for hours.



I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

Ugh, this is so hard. Breathing feels so hard. Living seems so hard. I just can't do everything I'm trying to do, I get that, I give up. Please, anything, take me somewhere EASY. Jeff just called for my dinner order from Quiznos...hearing his voice reminds me that it's OK, that everything is alright and he'll take care of me and always love me. But it also makes me feel horrible because I want to be the best for him and these problems I have are not the best. I know I can't help it, but he deserves better. I feel like I'm burdening him. Please take me somewhere easy, I just want to live life.

Going back "home" for the 4th of July was harder than I thought it would be, I figured it wouldn't be a problem at all. Tell that to Jeff, who listened to me sob for a good 45 min on the way down the highway.

I feel different, in that I just can't put up that front/face that I want people to see any more. I am the same person, just sad, and I can't be all peppy for everyone all the time now. That doesn't mean I'm not happy - everyone knows I'm BLESSED. But I am grieving still, and it shows on my face every once in a while.

Iris (my therapist) said that I should set aside a specific time to think about you, to let the feelings come. She said I shouldn't let them just come and go all day, that isn't productive grieving. She wants me to write down everything I can remember - the good and the bad - on seperate pages, of course.

I knew I had problems before your death, but I thought I could handle them now, but since then, it's obvious I can't handle them and that it really weird. I hate grieving. I hate death, and I hope no one else that I love dies before me. And I feel sorry for those that love me, after I die. I guess not all death is the same - yours is definitely one of a kind. So I guess I shouldn't worry about future deaths so much, because they won't be like yours (hopefully).

Iris told me that something from your childhood/early adulthood troubled you and I believe it. She wants me to figure it out. I'd love to figure it out. Will it relieve this sadness? Why should I put the effort into it? Would it do you justice? Would it bring me peace? I dunno.

I visited your grave on July 4th. Took me only a minute to find it. The headstone still isn't correct, but I'm sure granny is working on it. I still can't stand to walk on a grave, so instead of laying on top of you, I laid next to you - and only because I knew that ground was empty. If someone was on that side of you, I would've chose the other. I took in your view. You see a lot of clouds lol. It was pretty nice actually, but not something I'd care to do permanently.

I wish I could remember what we said to each other on my wedding day. I'm assuming it went something like this..."You look beautiful Sis", "Thank you, you look good.", "Thanks", **insert uncomfortable hug**"Ok I've gotta be going", "You can't stay?", "Nah, Granny's waiting for me in the car.", "OK, I love you.", "Love you too Sis, Bye.", "Bye Dad."

When did I see you before that?? God I can't remember. Was it the time when you took Robbie and I to Myrtle Beach and then left us there in the middle of the night? You came knocking on my door after we arrived home, having been "saved" by mom, to give me my CD I left in the car you ran off with. I was so angry. You said you are sorry and I just nodded and closed the door in your face.

It's been 3 months and it seems like it should be plenty time to move on but I am still just as sensitive as when I first found out, if not, more. I try to avoid watching movies with death and drugs because of the places it leads my mind to. And everyone is right, what was ailing you is no longer ailing you. You're resting finally, and it's come to ail me. Well, it will not lead me in the same direction, but instead it is helping me understand you better (I think).

I've started the REAL meds - lorazepam. The wimpy zoloft wasn't doing anything for me, and I needed quick relief before I just shut down. Hopefully this will be the only medicine I need. Still taking the zoloft, and the ambien. But it's the therapy that I find tough...thinking about things that bring back those uncomfortable feelings and having to face them in order to push through them. So that one day I don't need medication

Enough for tonight - ambien is taking over. I'll close with the fact that I have an AWESOME Husband and I love him so much and I am so thankful for him supporting me through my tough times.