The Holidays

I used to go days without remembering you're dead. Every few days, I'd remember and the feelings of helplessness, grief, anger, etc would bubble up for a little bit until the kids distracted me. But ever since Thanksgiving, the closer we get to Christmas the more I think of you. Every day, and for longer periods of time every day. I'm sure it's normal. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and it's a time of year where everyone is happy and warm and with family and friends. But you are in the cold ground all alone. I really hate that. I wish I lived closer to your grave so I could visit more often. So let's try to reason myself out of this. You're not alone. You're in heaven and you're not tormented any more, and now you can watch down on us and see us and know us in ways you couldn't while you were alive. Cheery thinking. And here I am, a professed Catholic, and I have serious trouble accepting that idea. Not that I don't think you went to heaven, it's just that I saw your beautiful blue casket lowered into the ground. My mind knows where you are. You're in the ground. I'm going to argue with myself again...Yes, your body is in the ground but your soul is in heaven. This isn't helping at all. I still feel like you're alone and cold.

Death sucks. Makes me think for a second that I wish I weren't alive so that I didn't feel this pain. But then I'd miss all the great feelings...which totally outnumber the bad ones. Now if I didn't have my family, it would be another story.

Moving on. I think you'd be really proud of us...we put an offer on a foreclosed home and it was accepted. It's A LOT for the money. A great investment!! I'm really excited and I know you would be too. There's some work to do to it, and tomorrow morning the home inspector and electrician is going to be there. Hopefully everything goes very smoothly and we're in our OWN home within the next month!

I'm going to end it here so that I can try to forget about you for tonight. I love you.