Saturday will be a year since we put you in the ground. A year since the worst day of my life, to date. I'm sure there will be worse days ahead, and that sucks. I'm upset that I am still so torn up over this. To which my therapist would say "That's ok, you're not supposed to get over it." Except that I don't like feeling like I do sometimes. The added stress from moving and buying the house just makes it a lot worse.

I went to church this morning...there's a Catholic church right across from OUR house. :) So we don't have to worry about leaving early and what-not. Just walk right across the street. I went alone, Jeff stayed home with the kids. I sat there in the pew looking down at my jeans and my black high-top shoes and thought how you would have never let me go to church in that when I was younger. If you were around now and saw me go to church like that you would shake your head and give me a disapproving "Sis...". I also thought about why you were so insistent on going to church. Did it keep your demons at bay? Either way, I am thankful that it was a ritual in my childhood.

I must think about what time of year it is at least 6 times a day now. Ever since January. Wait, ever since Thanksgiving. I guess it's a lot of "firsts" since you've been "gone". Even though you were always gone...

Next year should be easier, right?

Back to the original thought. So I'm sitting in church and started getting the urge to cry, so I got on my knees in the pew and gave into it. Everyone was singing, so I was sure no one would notice. And even if they did...they wouldn't bother me. That's what I like so much about the church. Boy the tears flowed. Church does that to me. Allllll my feelings come out. I thought I got it all out of me, and stood back up with everyone else. Then it was time for sacrament, so I got in the line to take it and about half way to the alter I started feeling like I was going to cry again I looked for the nearest exit from the line because I was sure that once I got to the alter I wouldn't be able to stay on my feet and I would drop to my knees again and this time, someone would say something. Great first impression. Long story short, I made it though the the rest of the mass without any more crying.

I dreamed about you a couple nights ago. It was the anniversary of your death and a party was going to be thrown. There was a small cake and 1 piece had been taken out of it. I just remember feeling like I had to protect Daniel and that you were laying on the floor near me with a horribly sad look in your eyes. It was obvious you were sorry.

I'll sign off before I ruin my mood. Love you Dad.